The Trial

In my last post, I showed you the court order that resulted from a week long trial over custody of my children. I have to say that going to court is probably my least favorite thing in the world to do. I did learn a lot from that experience, and from all my subsequent court hearings, but if I had it to do all over again, I would have done things much differently.

First off, my attorney. I told you how he was not very quick to object to anything and pretty much seemed to be stumbling through everything. This is true, but if I had listened to him in the very beginning, things may have gone much differently for me with regards to custody.

When my Ex first took off and pretty much fell of the face of the earth, my attorney acted quickly and was successful in getting me emergency temporary custody of my children. He wanted to continue further and "really go after her" in terms of solidifying my having custody, but I said no. I wanted to hold off. I can't really explain why I wanted to do that. I think it was mostly that I was so naive about the whole process that I didn't think holding off would matter all that much.

Boy was I wrong!

If I had known then what I know now; that the 3 years after this first trial would be a living nightmare for me, even in trying to have my court ordered visitation, I would have gone forward with everything in the very beginning. It probably would have saved me tons of heartache, anxiety, anger, sadness, money, and overall disbelief at the state of the justice system.

During the trial, everything my Ex said was taken as gold. She offered no proof to any statements that she made in court, but she was believed regardless. She brought my 2 oldest children to court to testify against me, which really didn't work out for her at all. At least the judge talked to them in his chambers instead of in open court. They were traumatized enough by just having to do that.

Since the first few paragraphs of the order are just legal mumbo jumbo to state what the case is about, I will move forward to paragraph 8 under Findings of Fact to begin.

Everything in this paragraph is correct, including the fact that my Ex did all of the bookkeeping and banking responsibilities for my business. She did this sparingly because she was always off somewhere else. She hated the business and resented the fact that it took up so much of my time, so she spent as little time there as possible.

Paragraph 9 is correct to a degree. She testified in court that at the time of the trial she was working for a home care agency, but she would not say the name of it, and my lawyer did not press the issue. She said she worked about 30 hours a week and stated how much money she made per hour, but she offered no evidence to back up her claims in the form of wage stubs or the like. Again, this was let go by my attorney, and her word was taken at face value.

What isn't mentioned in the order, but was testified to at length, was the fact that I had to provide every single scrap of paper I had in my possession that outlined every single dollar I made and how I made it. I submitted bank statements, invoices, copies of bills, tax returns, and receipts. My business and personal information was not separate, so everything had to be taken into account to determine my income. I had to testify as to how much my house payment was, car payment, even how much I spent on groceries each week to support my children.

All of this information is very important when we get to the child support phase, and you are going to see judicial corruption at its finest.

Paragraph 10 is true. As I have already stated, I worked long hours to support my 5 children and my wife. I paid all the bills, including a huge mortgage payment on a house that we never should have gotten in the first place. But, more on that later.

Paragraph 11 is partly true. I did leave, as I already mentioned, after my Ex had her first affair; however, she knew exactly where I was living (at the church). Of course, I testified that she knew where I was during that time, but the order only states what she said and leaves out my testimony.

Paragraph 12 is also true. I don't think I mentioned this before, but I did leave her again due to more and more problems in our marriage. She was hiding things and lying to me, and I got fed up. I even found birth control pills hidden in the trunk of her car, along with skimpy clothes. We could not have anymore children at that time, so birth control was not necessary for her unless it was for medical reasons, but if that was the case, there was no reason for her to hide them. So, yeah, I left.

Paragraph 13 is true. I went back home and we began going to church together and attended counseling. One session, to be exact.

Paragraph 14 relates what she testified to; however, I never abused her. And, as the order says, she never contacted the police or got a restraining order or anything else. She could provide no evidence in court that she had ever been abused. Of course, I testified that I had never abused her, but again, my testimony is not in the order and was pretty much ignored.

Paragraph 15 is true. It relates to the incident where I kept her keys from her when she abandoned the children. That was considered an act of domestic violence, but again, there was no evidence that I had ever abused her in any way prior to that incident.

Paragraph 16 is true. I was away from home a lot. Again, I was working my rear end off trying to support my family. I had my shop that I conducted business out of, and I also had a retail store. I was stretched very thin and had to work almost constantly to keep up. I did hire an employee to work at the retail location (actually, my Ex hired her!) and since I build custom furniture, there is a lot that goes into the quote process. So, yes, sometimes she was at my shop after hours but we were always conducting business. The doors were locked because the shop was closed, and if my Ex had any suspicions, she could have simply come inside (she had a key). There was a time that we were sitting in her car talking, but it was about business and nothing more. Oh, and the dead end road that it was parked on? My shop is located at the top of a dead end road. She was trying to paint the picture that I was having an affair, but it never went anywhere, and I will tell you right now that I never, ever cheated on her.

Paragraph 17 has already been established. She left.

Paragraph 18 is a lie. She testified in court that the reason she left was to go and find a place for her and the kids to live. The first time she EVER said anything like that was on the witness stand in court. The entire time she was gone, she never once told me that she planned to get a place and have the kids live with her.

Paragraph 19 is correct, and I have already shown you the letter she signed.

Paragraph 20 is partially true. I have already told you how that day went down, but I never choked her. I love how there is just a little blurb at the end of that paragraph that says, "although he denies choking her" as if it's an afterthought. Great, huh?

Paragraph 21 is correct and has been established in this blog. What the order does not state is that she returned to North Carolina specifically to pick up her boyfriend (which she did testify to) and then left for Colorado.

Paragraph 22 is a bunch of hooey. She talked to the children whenever she would call as long as they were awake. As a matter of fact, I called her over and over and over again in order to let the kids talk to her, and she would never answer her phone. I did not ask her to come back because I could not take care of the kids; I asked her to come back to SEE her kids because they missed her and didn't understand why mommy wasn't coming home. She did not "offer evidence" that she went to a domestic violence agency in Colorado; she simply testified that she did. The only part of that paragraph that is true is that she never thought I would ever seek custody of the children.

Paragraph 23 is correct.

Paragraph 24 is only partially true. She did sign the parenting agreement that allowed her very strict visitation; however, she could have seen the children before that if she would have COME BACK to see them. Kinda hard to see your kids when you're clear across the country, isn't it?

Paragraph 25 is correct. I met a woman online and went out with her. I was looking for new friends and companions, as I really didn't have any friends around me. All of my family lives far away and I had never really established a network of friends because I worked so much, so I was pretty much alone and going through hell.

Paragraph 26 is correct. The woman that I met online became a great friend and was actually looking for a new place to live. After we had known each other a few weeks and she became familiar with my situation, we discussed her moving into my home to help me care for my home and children as a live-in nanny. The house I lived in had an apartment in the basement complete with a kitchen and bathroom and a separate entrance, so it was perfect for her. She had another job, but it was one that she could do from home, so it worked out great. She moved in and began helping me care for the kids. She did all the cleaning and cooking, and also began helping me through the court process. She began doing this before my Ex even returned, when I had custody of the kids. After my Ex got custody back, she spent nights and weekends there even when the kids were not there because she LIVED there. There was never a romantic relationship between us.

Paragraph 27 states that I testified that the nanny slept in the basement (she had her own furniture down there) and that we were not romantic. The judge interviewed my 2 oldest children in his chambers. Ninety percent of the questions asked to them were about the nanny. And yes, I did testify that if my oldest son said he saw us together romantically he was either mistaken or lying. My oldest has had a major problem with lying for most of his life. My Ex even agreed and testified on the stand that he lies a lot.

The nanny spent an entire week in court and was not called to the stand until the very last day. My lawyer tried to get the judge to excuse her from her subpoena after the second day because she was missing work at her other job. When the judge asked my Ex's lawyer if he planned on having the nanny testify, his response was "I haven't decided yet." It was all a game to him.

On the stand, the nanny was made to testify about the nature of her relationship with me and my children and what duties she performed in my home. Then the line of questioning turned very personal. My Ex's lawyer began questioning her about her other job and asked her income. My lawyer did object to that because it was really not relevant at all, but the judge made her answer the question anyway. He also questioned her at great length about a refrigerator that she sold on craigslist. It was her fridge and she didn't need it anymore, so she sold it. A huge deal was made about why she sold it and for how much and what she did with the money. I still to this day have no idea what that had to do with the price of tea in China, but whatever. She, of course, was also asked about any romantic relationship she may be involved in.

Funny how none of that stuff is mentioned at all, isn't it? Perhaps that is because they were trying to make a mountain out of a molehill, and when that didn't work, they just swept it under the rug like it never happened. You see, my Ex wife is an insanely jealous woman. During our marriage, I was kept in a box. I could not go anywhere or do anything without her permission. I was not allowed to join a gym because there would be women there. If we were watching television and a Victoria's Secret commercial would come on, she would actually put her hand up to cover my eyes. No, not in a joking manner, she actually would not allow me to look at the TV until after the commercial was over.

You know what else wasn't stated in the court order? I testified, and the nanny testified, that I was dating at the time. That's right...I was dating other women. Actually, at the time of the trial, I had a girlfriend. So much for that theory!

This nanny was so wonderful at a time that I really needed help, and my kids absolutely loved her. She made sure they were always well fed and clean, and my house had never been cleaner! But all my Ex saw was another woman...which apparently automatically meant I was sleeping with her.

The reason I have spent so much time talking about the nanny is because I never mentioned her before now. You are going to hear her mentioned a lot in this blog, so I wanted you to get the background story.

Moving on....

Paragraph 28 is partially true. She hadn't seen them in over a month, but it wasn't because I wouldn't let her. I'm pretty sure we've covered this several times now.

Paragraph 29 is true. When she moved back from Colorado, she moved into the house on her parent's property that we had formerly lived in as a family.

Paragraph 30 is completely false. I've told you about that house already, remember? It was 900 SF at best and only had 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. It's an old house that was pretty run down. I would not at all classify it as "a nice home with multiple bedrooms and bathrooms."

Paragraph 31 is confusing. Yes, I had had the children since July. I did testify that I was not working at night as much as I had before my Ex and I separated, but frankly I didn't have to. My retail store had been closed for some time, so I only had the one location to worry about, and since my Ex was gone, I didn't have to work as much to support her spending habits. Not trying to be mean here, but she spent money ALL the time, mostly $5 here and $10 there. All that adds up over time, and no matter how hard I tried to explain to her that she was nickel and diming me to death, she just kept spending. After the initial dent when she cleaned out both bank accounts, with the help of family, friends, and some strangers, money suddenly was not nearly as tight as it always had been, and I was able to be home more than I ever had been able to before. A tape recording was played in court where I apparently said that I was going to work almost every night, but I remember the tape was very garbled and I could not say for certain that it was my voice on the tape. However, I do believe the recording was made shortly after she left, and if it was me on the tape, it would have been true because right after she left, I was working at night all the time because I had no money and had no choice.

Paragraph 32: Ahhh, the teachers. I almost want to laugh out loud at the next few paragraphs because they are full of inaccuracies, and also because, again, it really didn't matter. These teachers were made to miss work for, I believe, 2 days to testify in court, under subpoena, and in the end, what they said really had no bearing on the case at all.

One teacher taught my middle son the year prior and now had my youngest daughter in her classroom. The other was only a teacher's assistant who worked in the classroom across the hall and never taught either one of those two children. All I can say about them claiming the kids were dirty is that that is a load of bull. All the kids were always clean and had their hair combed before school, and they all did their homework every single night. Again, no evidence was entered to corroborate that my daughter wasn't doing her homework (by the way, she was in kindergarten, so homework pretty much didn't exist for her). As far as her being tired all the time, there is actually a running joke that she can sleep anytime, anywhere, and fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I once found her in my kitchen lying across 2 stools, sound asleep. It was so funny that I even took a picture of it! What it doesn't say is that the teachers also said that my children weren't "in style". Huh? Ok, so a 5 and 7-year-old are apparently supposed to be in high fashion. I guess clothes from The Gap just aren't good enough. Who knew?

As to them being excited to see their mom, I'm sure they were! She had only been gone for 5 months and had barely seen them. What kids wouldn't be excited?

Paragraph 33 is more of the same. And yes, my Ex did a lot at the school before she took off, but she was a stay-at-home mom. Is it really a surprise that she would spend time in their classrooms? Oops! They mentioned in there that I actually went and ate lunch at the school with my kids several times. Who let that slip in there?

Paragraph 34 is again more of the same. They were trying to paint her in a "mother of the year" light to try and make me look like a terrible father and try to shift focus off of what she had done. Apparently it worked.

Paragraph 35 outlines testimony from a neighbor that we had several years before in another town. I don't really put much stock in her testimony at all and was confused as to why she was even there, except to again try to make it look like I could care less about my kids and was never around to care for them. All I can say is that this woman didn't live with us, and if she had that much knowledge about the goings-on at my home, perhaps I should have been concerned about a stalker. She certainly sounded in her testimony like she watched every move that I made.

Paragraph 36: Yes, she was the primary caregiver of the children because I worked and she didn't. Well, she was the primary caregiver until she abandoned them, but who's keeping score here? We're supposed to forget about that, remember?

Paragraph 37: "Best interest of the children". Yeah, ok. We'll see how that works out as this blog continues.

Paragraph 38: The puppies. Oh my word, the puppies. This was brought up in almost EVERY single court hearing. We had 2 Golden Retrievers that we bred on occasion and would sell the puppies for extra income. We had been doing this for quite some time before she left. Well, AFTER she left, my female went into heat and one of the kids opened the gate, and well, you can figure out the rest. I took the litter up north to sell them because, frankly, you can get more money up north for them. My Ex wanted that money. All $2400.00 of it (I guess the $2000 she took from the bank accounts just wasn't enough). My lawyer actually fought hard on this issue (for once) and stated that because the conception occurred after date of separation, my Ex had no claim to the proceeds from the sale of the puppies. The judge didn't know what to do (there was a brief discussion between the judge and 2 lawyers about crops and farms and some such that still makes no sense to me), so it just kept getting put off and put off. To this day a ruling has never been made regarding whether or not she had any rights to any of that money. The money was put aside in my lawyer's trust account...and you'll see what happens to it later.

So there you have it. We were granted joint legal custody of the children with her having primary placement. The judge declared that she have primary care because she had been the one to care for them most of their lives. What she did never mattered one bit. The fact that she would up and leave her children for another man and disappear for 5 months seemed to be no big deal to the judge.

You can see the visitation schedule that I am supposed to have outlined, and to this day it remains in effect except that we mutually agreed to change my Wednesday visitation to Thursday.

Tomorrow will mark 6 weeks since I have seen my kids.

I know this is a very long post, and I hope you were able to stick with me through it. Coming up, we will talk about child support, post-separation support, contempt of court charges, more restraining orders, and my children disappearing.

Buckle in, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

And Then She Returned....

I would like to be able to give you an exact date as to when my Ex returned to North Carolina from Colorado, but I really can't. All I can tell you is that she came back and was living in a house on her parent's property that we had formerly lived in as a family. Upon her return, her parents floated the money for her to secure an attorney, and then the fight began.

The next thing I knew, my attorney notified me that I was going to court regarding custody of my children. At the time, I had had full custody of them for 5 months after they were abandoned by my Ex, but I knew that things had to be finalized. My lawyer assured me that because of the nature of her leaving, I had a slam-dunk case and had nothing to worry about.

I should never have listened to, or trusted my lawyer.

Let me give you a little bit of a mental picture of him before we continue. He was recommended to me by a close acquaintance. I was given raving reviews about his capabilities and was told that he was "the best". I'm sure he was the best at one time, in fact, I know he was from doing research.

However, when he represented me, he was pushing 70 years old and was not very sharp anymore. I should have known better, but again, this was all new to me. Hindsight, and all...

At the time, I figured that he had gotten me temporary custody and had worked everything else in my favor, so why not believe what he was telling me and trust that the court would be in my favor? I went ahead with court, completely unprepared, with no prior meeting with my lawyer to even talk about what was going to be discussed at the trial.

During the trial, he rarely objected to anything, even when the questions were completely out of line or outright lies were being told. He would sit with a sort of half-smirk on his face, rubbing his temple. When it was his turn to ask questions, he pretty much butchered everything. Even when one of my witnesses had been torn apart on the stand by my Ex's attorney, my attorney would not even try to right the wrongs or try to ask questions to clear the air.

It was a massacre.

Now, my Ex's attorney was a vulture. He was good. He was REALLY good. He was the kind of guy that you have a love-hate relationship with. I hated him because his sole job was to make me look like the worst father ever; however, I had to like him too, because he was only doing his job....and he was doing an amazing job at it.

Anyhow, after a week of testimony by myself, my Ex, teachers, friends, and my nanny, the decision was made. The judge declared that we would have joint legal custody of the children, with my Ex having primary physical custody and me only having visitation.

I went from having them all by myself for 5 entire months to only getting to see them one day a week and every other weekend.

The reason, you ask? The judge decided that because she had been their primary caregiver for most of their lives (read: she was their mom) they should live with her and not me. Forget the fact that she had an affair, abandoned them, stole money, and pretty much disappeared for several months. Nah, didn't matter. And my attorney? He acted like the decision was no big deal and asked me what I wanted to do about it. "Do you want to appeal it, or what?"

So without further fanfare, I'm going to show you the court document from that week of trial. The one that took my kids away from me and would start close to 3 years of struggle on my part to keep a constant relationship with my children.

Temporary Custody 01.28.2009br />
I know there is a lot of information in that document that I have not yet touched on. It's really very hard to remember each and every single thing. What you should always remember from here on out is that in every court case, I am always the Plaintiff, and my Ex is the Defendant.

What I will do in my next post is go through each paragraph and fill in any blanks that I haven't touched on yet and let you know how it actually felt to be in that courtroom on the stand and have your world ripped apart. I would do that now, but you would be reading all night!

This document outlines that she get primary physical custody and lays out the visitation schedule that I was supposed to have.

As you can see at the end of the document, this is a temporary order that was issued almost 3 years ago. It is still in effect today. Nothing has ever been made permanent.

Are you shocked by the decision? Let me tell you, this came down right before Christmas 2008, so it was not a very merry Christmas for me because I had to give her the children. Poof! Just like that.

All I can remember is being so confused, angry, and most of all hurt by the decision. I couldn't believe that I had cared for them for so long after what she had done, only to have them taken from me in the blink of an eye by a judge who's wife died from cancer just days before he rendered this decision. Personally, I don't think he was in any shape to be making life-altering judgements given what was going on in his personal life, but my lawyer didn't seem to think it was an issue....

It was after this happened that I began to keep a journal of daily events, because believe it or not, only a month or so went by before my Ex began refusing me my visitation.

Read it, take it in, make notes of your questions or confusion, and next time you read this blog, I will try to flesh it all out for you. There are a lot of things that weren't put in the order that were testified to, and there were also a lot of lies told.

Please stick with me, because it only gets crazier from here!!

See you on the flip side!

And the Hits Just Keep On Comin'

Sorry I have been MIA for a few days; I will explain what is currently happening later in this post.

For now, I will continue where I left off. As I stated in my last post, my Ex was gone. She admitted to me that she was in South Carolina, but she would not tell me much more. All she would tell me was that she was staying with "a friend", had put a deposit down on a place, and that she was working. Where, I don't know, but she claimed to have a job. However, she also claimed she was only eating rice because she was broke even though she emptied the bank accounts.

Over the course of our conversations, I continued to try to get more information about where she was and what she was doing, again to find out if she was okay...and if she was ever coming back, if for no other reason than to see the kids.

She continued to be fixated on whom I had spoken to at her workplace and what they had told me. She told me that she had called her employer (this was a good job, by the way) and that she had told them that she was quitting. However, when I spoke to them, they said that she just stopped showing up for work. They also told me that she had been on thin ice for some time because she was either always late or just not showing up altogether.

This information, coupled with the information I gained from co-workers (and other people) that she had been bragging about having an affair, solidified in my mind that she was with this new guy. I didn't have any proof of that, but it was a very strong suspicion.

It wouldn't be until she returned and we went to court for temporary custody that I would learn the real truth about everything. Well, I say everything, but I know there is a lot I still don't know, but to be honest, at this point I really don't care about all the details. All I know for certain is what she testified to in court, and that is enough to make a person's head spin.

The entire time that she was gone and I was extremely concerned about her; wanting her to come and see her kids, or at least show and interest in seeing them, she was lying to me.

Yes, she was in South Carolina for a time, but it was not for very long. She left South Carolina and came back to our city...only to pick up her boyfriend. She did not contact me at that time at all, and she did not make any effort to see the children, even though she was in the same town.

This was also the point when she filed the restraining order I have previously shown you.

After filing the restraining order and picking up her boyfriend, she left town again and went to Colorado. Yep, clear across the country....and I never knew. I never found out she was in CO until the temporary custody trial started.

Amazing, huh?

I always had the feeling when I spoke to her on the phone that she was scared to tell me where she was. I don't think she was scared because of what I might do; I think she was scared because of what her boyfriend might do if he found out she was talking to me and giving me any information.

I've said before that this guy was not a good guy, and I will share more on that later...I don't want to get ahead of myself here. Just know that he has a questionable background...and was not always nice to my children.

This guy would end up coming in and out of her life (and the lives of my children) for the better part of a year, and whenever he was around, there was always trouble. I never even met the guy, but I heard enough about him from my kids to know that I didn't want him around them at all.

When I post next, I will talk about her return and the custody trial. I will show you documents that contain her testimony about what she had done, and I will probably shake your faith in the justice system in a major way.

But for now, an update:

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. She is 12 years old and the most beautiful girl in the world. I miss her dearly, as I miss all my kids.

Not seeing them is taking a major toll on me. I went to the doctor today for a check-up and to get some medication refills and my blood pressure was high and my heart rate was high.

Stress takes a major toll on your body.

The other night, I was on facebook and saw that my oldest son was on. I began to chat with him. I asked him where he was, and his response was "don't worry about it". When I prompted further, he exited the chat and unfriended me from facebook. I then realized that he had blocked me entirely.

I then attempted to call my children. Because I don't get to see them due to her contempt, calling is the only way I can talk to them.

When I called, I got an automated message that the number was disconnected.

She is alienating me from my children. As this blog continues, you will see that this is a pattern. Things go well for awhile, and then everything goes off the rails...just like they have now.

So there you have it. I can't contact them at all. This is not the first time this has happened, but I'm terrified because the last time this happened, she up and moved them all to Colorado without my knowledge and I was at the police stating trying to put out an Amber alert.

That is yet another chapter of this story yet to come.

So, on my daughter's birthday, I have no way to contact her. I have no way to contact any of them. I don't know if they are safe at home, at their grandmother's, or who knows where. I miss them terribly, and I am afraid for them.

I expect a call from my attorney (who has been in trial all week) tomorrow. Hopefully I can begin gaining some ground here.

So, yeah, I can see why my blood pressure might be high!

Please pray for me and my children. Pray that they are safe, pray that they always know I love them, and pray for their mom to realize that this is hurting them more than she could even realize.

Pray for me to be able to see them very soon, and pray that I may find peace and get some sleep.

Until next time, my friends.

The Space Between

There was a time period after my Ex left where life was pretty normal...well, at least as normal as it could be for a single dad with 5 kids who couldn't adequately explain where mommy was and why she wasn't coming home.

During the time between when she left and when I was served with the restraining order (about a 2 month span, or so) I tried to get in touch with her many times. I was trying to contact her for a few reasons, but the biggest reason was to try to let her talk to our kids. I didn't know what to tell them about why their mom wasn't coming home, and nothing I said would have really mattered anyway. At the time, my youngest child was only 3. The others went up in age at close to 2 years apart (5-7-9-11). What do you tell say to them to try to help them?

What I ended up telling them was that their mom had gone away for awhile. I always told them that mommy loved them very much and missed them, and we prayed for her every single night. But still, they needed to hear from her; needed to hear her voice.

The other reason for contacting her was because I was genuinely worried about her. I was not sleeping at night because I was so stressed about what was happening. I had a ton of unanswered questions and every single day I was finding out more and more about what my Ex had been up to before she left. To say what I was finding out was disturbing would be an understatement. I realized that she had been being very dishonest for a long time.

The more I learned, the worse it became.

I went out and purchased a recorder so that I could record all phone conversations that I might have with her. I did this because I wanted documentation of anything that she may say to me because, to be honest, I don't have the greatest memory in the world. I also did this because at the time I was very worried about her state of mind and what may be happening to her. If she were to tell me anything that I felt may be an indication that she was in danger, I wanted to make sure I could relay it accurately to police, or whoever, may need to hear it.

After all, she was still my wife. I was scared for her and confused about what was happening. And yes, I was angry at her too, and I think I was justified in all of those feelings.

After trying to call several times in one day and getting nothing but her voicemail, she finally called back. It was late. She asked to speak to the kids, but they were all sleeping. I asked her where she was and she told me that she just wanted to tell me that I was a really good man.

Again, I asked where she was, and she was adamant about not telling me. Over the course of a couple of calls, I finally got her to tell me that she was in South Carolina. I asked her when she was going to come and see the kids. She said "soon".

I told her that I had been to her former workplace and had talked to some of her co-workers and had found out some awful things that she had been doing before she left, including bragging about her affair. She immediately fixated on this and wanted to know who I had talked to and what they had said.

I told her that we could talk about everything, but I needed to know where she was living. I wanted an address. I had mail and other things to send to her, and I wanted to know that she had a roof over her head and was okay.

She told me that she didn't know the address where she was living. She said that she would get it and call me back, but she was extremely worried about people coming to her place. She said that there were people after her and she had to leave the city we lived in, and the state, just to get away from them all. Over and over again she asked what I had been told and who I had been talking to.

I was trying to get into her head that she needed to come back to see her children. They needed to see her. She said she was coming soon, but she needed money. She claimed that all the money she took when she left was gone. She claimed that she put a deposit down on a place to live, but again, didn't know the address.

This was only a couple weeks after she left.

Let me tell you, I wanted to believe her. I wanted to help her come back so she could at least see the kids. No, I had not yet closed the door on perhaps working things out with her, but first, I had to at least get her to come back for her children.

When she made the statement that she would just disappear off the face of the earth and make everyone happy, I got really scared. I was afraid of what she may do. I was afraid she may be thinking of suicide.

I don't think I will ever understand what exactly happened to her to make her do the things she did. I'm not even sure that she even understands it all to this day. I think that she still buries a lot of her past deep inside and pretty much denies it all ever happened.

But it did happen, and the more I learned, the more I realized that I didn't know this woman anymore at all.

When I return, you will learn more of what I learned. I have to tell you that it isn't pretty, but it is the truth, so I'm going to put it out there.

Please keep reading, and let me know what you think!!

The Calm Before The Storm

I have some space to fill between when I received the restraining order until my Ex resurfaced. In the space between, I have decided to talk about my life as a single dad.

I told you before that I realized I needed help with the day-to-day. That was absolutely true, and what I did to remedy that was hire a babysitter. This girl was great. She would come to my house whenever I needed and take care of my kids. Most of the time, I needed her help in the evenings.

I had an extreme hardship with finances at that time. You have to remember that my Ex cleaned out both my business and personal bank accounts before she left. This left me with nothing except the money in my wallet, which was about $5.00.

Now, expenses were not simple. When you own your own business, nothing is ever simple. I was living in a 3000+ SF house with a huge mortgage payment, which we could never afford to begin with. I had my shop rent, electric at my home (including heat), power at my shop, gas bill at my home, and materials and supplies for my shop and showroom, which I had to provide to build furniture. Not to mention telephone and fax for my shop and cellphone. On top of that, I had a vehicle that I made deliveries with that was a business expense.

When my Ex left and cleaned out the bank accounts, she took every single bit of the money that I needed to keep things going. Not to mention food, clothing, and other expenses for my children.

It was through the grace of God that people helped us. They gave money without my asking and without batting an eye. I owe these people more than I can even say....and more than I could ever repay.

I owe a major debt of gratitude to all of them, because I could not have kept things going without their help.

In the beginning, after my Ex left, I was still working heavy hours at my shop, and a lot of those hours were into the evening. The babysitter would come and watch the kids, feed them, and sometimes put them to bed for me.

She was invaluable to me at that time. And, my kids loved her, which made it all that much better.

So, even after the restraining order, life went on. I took my kids to school everyday and they got off the bus at my shop every afternoon. I was still getting them up every single morning and feeding them and clothing them, and I was taking care of the house as best I could while working crazy hours in order to support them.

I cannot be sure of the exact date, but at some point, I learned where my children's mom was. I found out that she was in Colorado with her new boyfriend. Now, I knew she had been to SC, but Colorado?

Once I found out the name of her new guy, I did some research and found that he was not the greatest guy ever. He had been in trouble for drug possession in the past. That immediately sent my radar up, and I was determined to find out more about him, or at least meet him, before he spent time around my kids.

I had to consider him spending time around my kids, of course. As horrible as it sounded for me, if he was the one she wanted to be with, I should meet him, yes? So, it was a possibility I should entertain.

I was enjoying my life as a single dad. My kids were doing GREAT in school, never missing a day, and they were thriving. They were all happy and healthy and really never seemed to miss a beat.

I know they missed their mom, and we talked about it often. We prayed every single night for her. I don't know if it was their ages at the time, or if they felt relief from the trouble, but all-in-all, they were doing very well.

Eventually, though, my Ex returned. And when she did, she wreaked havoc on the life that we were creating for ourselves.

Again, I will not bash, belittle, or say negative things about my Ex. I imagine that she was doing what she felt was expected of her.

What she did, though, was turn our lives upside down...and she hasn't looked back since.

Next time, we will go further into her return. The quake she left when she departed was minor compared to the earthquake she made when she came back. Until next time.

PS: It's been one month now since seeing my kids last.

First Restraining Order

As I said in my last post, I was raising my kids all by myself, and, not to toot my own horn, I was doing a really good job of it.

So, imagine my shock and disbelief one evening when a knock came at my door and I opened it to find a Sheriff's Deputy. My first thought was whether or not something bad had happened to someone, namely my children's mother. However, I would be further shocked to know that the deputy was there to serve me with a restraining order.

I knew nothing of restraining orders at the time. Of course, I knew they existed from hearing things on TV, but I didn't know how to get one or even how they worked.

Anyway, he was there to deliver me a restraining order. He explained to me what was going on and I took the document...in complete shock.

The restraining order was from the incident that occurred TWO MONTHS earlier when my Ex dropped all the kids off and left. Why it took her two months to file it, I will never understand. Actually, I know why, but for now I'm not going to say.

You can read what she says happened in the restraining order I provide you below, but I will tell you my side of the story now.

She showed up at my shop and dropped off the kids and said to me: "I'm leaving." My immediate response was "What do you mean?" She again said she was leaving. Leaving me and the kids and not coming back. So, I did the only thing I could think of to get her to stop and to talk to me.

I took her car keys.

I know, I know. I shouldn't have done that, but honestly I was in panic mode. I was upside down and just reacted. I wanted to stop her and make her talk to me.

So, yes, I took her keys and told her if she really wanted to leave she had to sign a letter stating that she was leaving me, our home, and our children.

During this time, I was holding her keys in front of me in both hands, trying to keep them away from her. She was hitting me and scratching me and trying to get her keys back. At one point, she fell down on the ground because she had her arms wrapped around me and then let go and stumbled.

It was like she was a different person. I didn't recognize her at all. She had a one-track mind. Leaving.

So, yeah, I was surprised to be slapped with this:

Restraining Order #1br />
In that document, it states that I put my hands around her neck, which I never did. It also describes another incident where I went to her house, after she left, to get a drill. Well, I dispute the date that she claims that happened because she was not in NC in Sept. She was gone...with her boyfriend. I DID go to her house at one time to retrieve a drill, but she allowed me in. There was no fight, I did not hurt her, and she never asked me to leave.

I know I can say all I want and there will be people who don't believe me; however, the judge, when hearing the restraining order, only granted it for 3 months. This is unheard of. Normally, a restraining order is either thrown out...or granted for an entire year.

The reason that he only granted it for 3 months was because he agreed that I should not have kept her keys from her (and I agree) however, he could not find evidence of ongoing abuse, so, 3 months it was.

Restraining Order Verdictbr />
Restraining Order Verdict Continuedbr />
So there you have it. My one stupid act. But I ask you, how would you react if your spouse of 14 years did the same to you? Yes, perhaps I did not act rationally, but what is rational in that situation?

It would come to pass that this would not be the only time I was served with such an order. But future orders...well, you'll have to stay with me to find out what happens with them. I will only say that things were being put into motion that were beyond my control. If I had only known then what I know now!

Next, you will hear about where my Ex has been during all this time...and what happens when she returns.

If you think it's been ugly thus far, you have a major wake-up call coming!

Until next time!

P.S. If you cannot read the documents, or have trouble reading them, please let me know. You can scroll the docs down to read all the pages, or you can click on the title to get a bigger picture of them. Please let me know if you ever have difficulty seeing them.

Thanks.

Life as a Single Dad

Ok, to bring you up to speed, my Ex left on July 14, 2008, and the kids and I were getting accustomed to the new summer schedule with me as a single father of 5 children. Things were going very well during the summer, and all the kids were thriving on the consistent lifestyle I was providing them. But alas, school was about to start for 4 of the kids. What was I to do??

Where I was living at the time was in the opposite direction of where the kids were supposed to go to school and where I worked, so I knew this was going to be a dilemma. I decided to take a chance and go before the school board and tell them about my children's mother abandoning them. I was hoping that in hearing my story, they would decide to allow my kids to go to the school they needed to go to. This was important because this school was right up the road from my shop and would allow the kids to ride the bus to my shop after school. It was worth a shot, right?

Well, it paid off. I walked in the door of the main school system building and talked to the secretary in the front. She was asking questions about why I was there and who I needed to talk to. By the time I got done telling her my story, I was in the office of the head honcho of the school board. WOW!!! Talk about cutting to the chase! I explained my situation again. He said that normally a hearing would be set up with the rest of the school board to determine if what I was asking for was in the school's best interest. However, he bypassed ALL that red tape and made the decision for everyone. He said that the kids can go to the school right up the road from where I was working. WHAT?? How can this be so easy? That school was literally less than a mile from my shop. Talk about the hand of God being on that situation. So, with that, four of my kids would be going to that school, and my youngest had to stay with me since he wasn't old enough for school yet. All I had to do was drop them of at school in the morning and then the bus would drop them off at my shop after school. Amazing!! This was such great news for me. Everything was really falling into place for me to be a single dad.

The first day of school was an experience in itself. I never had to worry about how much work it took to get kids ready for school. Getting them up and showered, feeding them breakfast, and making lunches...Never mind the homework I had to help with later on. I give kudos to all the moms that do that on a daily basis. You have an extremely hard job. So, to all the single moms out there too (even my Ex), my hat is off to you!

So I brought all 4 of them to their first day of school. I was working (my youngest was with me) doing what needed to be done. Then it was time for the school bus to drop them off at my shop. As I stood watching, Child #1 got off the bus followed by Child #2 and Child #3. The next thing I knew, the bus closed its doors and drove off. Um, where is Child #4? Uh oh!! I asked the others if Child #4 was on the bus, and they all said that she was. Ok, what do I do now? I thought for a minute and decided to call the school. I told them who I was and that I had 4 kids going to school there. They knew exactly who I was. I guess there was a lot of talk about what had happened with the kid's mom and what she had done. I told them that my other 3 kids were with me, but Child #4 did not get off the bus. I explained that my other kids said that Child #4 was on the bus with them but they didn't know why she didn't get off the bus. They told me that they would call the bus driver and see what was going on. Fifteen minutes went by and I finally got a call. The reason she didn't get off the bus was because she fell asleep and missed the stop. HAHAHA!! The school is only like 3 minutes away!! I guess she got worn out on that first day. That was an early day for me at work since I had to go pick her up and explain to all of them that they had to pay attention on the school bus and make sure they got off the bus at my shop, and that the older ones needed to look out for the younger ones and help them. That wore me out in itself.

So, life went on. I had a very consistent schedule set up for them. They knew each and every day what was going to happen, from getting up in the morning and getting dressed and eating breakfast to getting off the bus at my shop after school. When they would get off the bus, they would come inside my shop and put their things away. I hung hooks on the wall with their names above them for them to hang their coats and backpacks. While I finished my workday, they would do their homework. It was a very busy time for me, but it was a good busy because everything worked like a finely tuned machine.

After work, I would take them all home and would check over homework and sign any papers that needed to be signed, etc. Dinnertime would come and I would come up with something. I will admit I am not a great cook, so this was perhaps one of my biggest challenges. I had a good friend that came over a few times and cooked dinner for the kids, and my oldest was a great help as well because he loves to cook and is really good on the grill as well. We always made it work, but it wasn't easy.

After dinner and some downtime, it would be time for bed. I always had them in bed by 8:00 at the latest. The next day, rinse and repeat.

They were thriving and doing really great on this schedule. Like I said before, they knew what the routine was each and every day so there were no surprises. I think that consistency is key in raising children, and without it you get into trouble fast.

I did begin to realize after a little while that I was going to need some help, though. Having my 3-year-old at work with me all day long was making it difficult to get my work done, and once the kids all arrived after school, it became even harder. It was also difficult for me to keep up with everything at the house...and meals (haha). So I did begin to think about exploring options, be it a babysitter or nanny or something along those lines, but I had not made a concrete decision yet.

Things were going really well. Mind you, there was very little contact with my Ex at this time, with her not even really communicating with her kids, much less seeing them, so imagine my surprise to get a knock at my door one evening to find a police officer there to serve me with a restraining order!

Yet another life changing experience that will be in the next installment. I promise!

My oh my, we still have tons of ground to cover before I even get anywhere close to the present. I really hope you all keep reading and taking this journey with me!

Until next time.

First Move For Protection

What did I do? My wife of 14, yes FOURTEEN years, left me for another man. Not only did she leave me, she left our FIVE children...AND cleaned out the bank accounts, leaving me virtually penniless.

My first order of business after having the locks changed was to contact a lawyer. This lawyer did me right....in the beginning. He filed an immediate request for divorce. In the state of NC, you must be legally separated for an entire year, meaning you must live apart, etc., before you can be granted divorce, but you have to get the request legally acknowledged by the court or else a year later you could be back at square one. I guess this was the first step. So, here it is:

Motion for Divorce 7.24.2008

The next thing filed was a motion for Ex Parte Custody of my children. Ex Parte means that the opposing party is not in court and the judge can award you what it is that you are asking for without the other party present. Since my Ex left and wouldn't tell me where she was, I was easily granted temporary full custody of my children.

Exparte Custody 7.30.2008

Next comes the consent order. If you don't know what a consent order is, let me explain.

When a case goes to court, it does not always have to be heard in front of a judge and/or jury and decided on by those people. You can go to court and have your respective lawyers work behind the scenes to come up with an amicable agreement. That agreement is signed by both parties and then presented to the judge for his final decree (and if both of you agree, the judge always agrees and signs off). This is called an consent order.

For a consent order to go through, you have to agree to it. You can't sign it and then say you didn't mean to, you didn't understand, etc. The lawyers give plenty of opportunity and spend most of the time explaining to you what you are signing.

Do you remember the last post where I showed you the handwritten mediation agreement between my Ex and I? Well, my attorney drew up a consent order that stated all the things in that handwritten document. In the end, my Ex signed a legal document stating that she abandoned her children and husband and would not disclose her location. She was also ordered to pay child support.

Consent Order 08.2008

Protection. That was my main goal. She left, and at the time I didn't know with who, but she left. Abandoned me and the kids. I was protecting myself, but most of all protecting them.

Keep in mind that after my Ex left I had to
do everything myself. She left during the summer so the kids were out of school. It was up to me to provide a consistant life for the kids. I would get the kids up in the morning. That was a job in itself. Especially for the ones that didn't like to get up. I had to feed everyone and pack a lunch. Then...it was of to work.

Like I said before, I had my own custom furniture business. This proved to be a VERY trying time as I spent much of the day at work. I was building furniture, taking orders and waiting on clients in the showroom, answering the telephone and being a referee in the kids arguments. It was a handful with all of them there. I had a set schedule during shop time. We all took a break together, ate lunch together, and I even got most of the kids down for a nap everyday.

We then ventured to the grocery store. Yes, all 5 of them. The kids proved to be outstanding in their attitudes during the time in the store. They were asking to help all the time. Asking to get stuff I missed in the previous aisle. It went very well, I must say. Then came making dinner.

UGGG!! I know for a fact that I'm a horrible cook, so Hamburger Helper, mac n cheese and hot dogs did the trick. My oldest son even learned how to grill hot dogs. The kids were thriving on the consistent life I was providing them. It actually went VERY well considering the circumstances. I am very proud of the time I had with my kids alone. I know I did an awesome job for them and knew I was going to make a great single dad. And I did. Just you wait and see....

The next post will blow your mind because it will show you how she signed the consent order, AFTER she was gone, AFTER she had no intention of coming back, and yet, there was a restraining order?

Oh, yes, it does continue to get more and more unbelievable as time goes on, but it is exactly what happened.

Please let me know what you think...and KEEP READING!!

Continuing On...As Always

I'm sorry I left all of you hanging for a couple days. As you can imagine, it was quite a blow to hear my kids are being blatantly lied to (this is not the first time). However, I have a plan, and I will stick to it. I know in my heart and mind that they know the real truth.

The fact of the matter is that they shouldn't even know what child support is, or court, or any of this stuff...and I'm not the one who keeps telling them all about it.

But, I digress...

When we left off, I showed you a handwritten document that my Ex signed, stating she was leaving me, our home, and our children. Not only that, but she cleaned out both the business and personal bank accounts, taking all the money we had, leaving me with my 5 kids to care for....with no money.

What did I do?

Well, my first action was to take my children home and to have the locks changed. Yes, that very day. I did not want her getting back in, especially after she signed that paper without batting an eye. I mean, this wasn't the first time she cheated on me, but for me, it would be the last time. I was done.

It wasn't until a couple days later I realized that all the money was gone. I started to get NSF mail from my bank. That means Non Sufficient Funds. I was paying bills but didn't realize that both accounts were overdrawn. Every time the bank tried to pay a bill and I didn't have funds to pay for it they would charge me $35.00. That was happening several times a day! So my next visit was the bank. Of course, our accounts were joint, so they couldn't help me, but they did confirm she cleaned out BOTH accounts. I explained what was going on and the bank cleared the fees. Hundreds of dollars of fees! I was thinking what the heck do I do with no money and 5 kids?

Panic? Yeah. Five kids to care for and no money? Shut the front door!

And how about this....She went to the bank and cleaned out the accounts WITH the kids in the car! THEY told me they went to the bank with mommy. I mean, the money aside, how do you think my kids felt having their mom leave like that?

She went to the bank WITH them and took all the money. She then drove to my shop WITH them and dropped them off and LEFT.

My kids wanted to know where mommy went and when she was coming back. What do you say to 5 children who are looking for their mother...and their mother isn't coming back?

Do you say she doesn't love you? Of course not.

Do you say she is never coming back? Well, no, because I didn't even know if she was coming back.

She just left. Left me, left them, left everything, with no explanation...for another man she hardly even knew.

So, what did I tell my kids? I think I ended up telling them that mommy is taking a trip and will hopefully come back soon.

What else was I supposed to say without breaking their spirits? I mean, it's not as if this was easy on me either...so having my 5 kids go through this was horrific.

The first person I contacted was, believe it or not, my Ex's mother. I told her what happened, and guess what she did? She gave me money. LOTS of money.

Now, mind you, I talked to my Ex's mother face-to-face, and the entire time, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. She was completely shocked by what was going on. Her daughter left her husband and children for another man....I bet that wasn't in the cards!

She helped me by giving me money. And with that money, I hired a lawyer. Now, don't look at me like that! I had to protect myself and my children. That was first and foremost in my mind. I had no idea if she was on drugs, or whatever...and I had NO IDEA who this guy was that she was having the affair with. Protection was the No. 1 thing on my agenda.

The next step was getting in touch with my Ex and finding out what the heck was going on. My Ex's cousin intervened as a mediator and worked out a parenting agreement, which I will show you now.

This was done over the phone because my Ex would not say where she was living. My Ex's cousin and I were trying to follow her tracks, and all the sudden received a text from my Ex saying "stop trying to find me". So, apparently, we were close.

So, over the phone it was. And this is the result:

Handwritten Parenting Agreement

Again, she admits she abandoned the kids and gives me custody. This will be in a court document later, every bit of it. I gained temporary custody of my children.

From here, it will all be official. You will see actual court documents that corroborate what I'm telling you now. If you think this is as bad as it gets, hold on to your hats, because you ain't seen nothin' yet!!

Lessons learned from this: Don't hesitate to get a lawyer. Change the locks! Don't ignore the signs that something is WAY OFF with your spouse, don't let one person on a joint account be able to draw all the money out of said account without approval from the other person listed on the account.

Next, you are going to read how I got custody of my children and thought all was well...only to be slapped with a restraining order from out of nowhere.

Stay tuned.....

Here We Go....

So, as I have promised time and time again, I have actual court documents to back up what I am saying. Now, the first documents you will see are handwritten and have my notes written in, just to explain who is who, but after that, you are going to get the real deal, with names taken out to protect privacy.

I am going to leave the case number in...because I feel that this is all public record, and if you are so inclined, you can come to my county in North Carolina and walk right into the file room at the clerk of court's office and read my ENTIRE file.

And let me just say, that my ENTIRE file is about a foot thick...a FOOT! A foot of paper...as thin as can be.

I tried to call my kids tonight..and my suspicions were confirmed. Their mother is lying to them. My 13 year old all but cussed me out. They think that I don't pay any child support and that I don't want them.

NOTHING could be further from the truth.

However, I am just worried about them. I am so torn inside right now because I feel that I have failed them, even though I know the truth.

I mean, she left me for another man...and not only did she leave me, she left her children. Her CHILDREN! She came to my shop and dropped all the kids off and said she was leaving....leaving everything.

Well, yeah, I panicked. And to make sure she was sure about what she was doing, I had her sign a letter, which I will display for you now. The letter has been redacted and had "the Ex" and "Me" added in, but it is the actual letter she signed.

My intention on getting her to sign this was to make her realize what she was giving up.

In the end, she didn't bat an eye....she just signed.

I will say that I was not Sir Galahad or anything. I acted wrongly in that situation, although I didn't know I was. Tomorrow, I will show even more documents (lots of documents) displaying my lack of "cool under pressure". But, when you don't know anything about anything, what are you to do?

So, without further fanfare: Handwritten Leaving

There you go. Yes, I redacted names and addresses and put place-markers in the way so that it would make sense. No, I did not change any of the context or any of the truth.

The truth.

That is what this is all about, and after tonight, and the conversations I had with my children, I realize now more than ever that the truth is subjective to the environment you live in. I thought that after all my children and I have been through in the past 3+ years, things would finally be better.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I would go further, but I don't want to be negative.

I have said that I will not bash, or lie. So far, I have not done either....

Please pray for me, but most of all, please pray for my children.

Until next time, my friends....

Here Comes Trouble

Ok, so this is the moment you have been waiting for. You have the basic background for at least 12 years of my marriage, although there are still some details left to tell (we were married for 14). I'm sure things will catch up as we go on.

Life seemed to be good with 5 kids, a nice, large home, a furniture making shop and separate store. We also started breeding Golden Retrievers, which was another business I ventured into that brought in some decent money.

As I said before, my Ex wanted to go to school, and I gave my blessing. With that, she began going to community college to become a CNA. With the big house payment and the shop rent and the store rent and everything else that comes along with a family of 5, I thought it was a great idea for her to further her education and have a career.

The only problem at the time was the finances. Although my business was busy, the money really wasn't there. We really were not making any money at all and actually had our children on Medicaid from the time they were born, and sometimes we were on food stamps.

I am ashamed, mortified and embarrassed that I let this go on. We should have never had children if we couldn't afford them, but I will say again that even though I am ashamed of the way I had to rely on tax payer dollars to care for my children, I don't regret, for one second, having each and every one of them. I love them more than my own life, and had I had it my way, things would have been different. Of course, at the time I was naive and didn't know there was a right way and a wrong way. I was listening to my wife...

The business was always accruing debt, and thus had to keep moving to make money instead of going bankrupt.

And so, school began for my Ex. She was never one to get all dolled up for anything. Sweatpants and T-shirt were mainly her choice of fashion. After she was in school for a bit, I began to notice her getting all dolled up for school and leaving early for class. She said she had to go to the library and study for a test. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, believing that she was trying to do her best in school.

What I didn't know was that she met a man at school and was beginning an affair with him. This affair was serious, and I had no clue. Of course, again, there were signs, but who wants to believe that your spouse is cheating on you...again?

She would always keep her car locked up, including the trunk, and if I wanted to go to her car to get something, she would pretty much freak out and make excuses why she had to go to her car instead of me.

Later I would find that she was hiding skimpy clothes and birth control pills in her trunk.

Then came the day that made things the way they are today. The ultimate betrayal. As if an affair wasn't enough, this is what she did:

I was at my shop working when she showed up with all 5 of our children. She proceeded to tell me she was leaving me....and leaving all the kids.

Now, we had been married for 14 years at this point, and let me tell you, I panicked. I didn't understand what was going on at all. However, she ended up leaving. REALLY leaving...to another state, and then across the country, with her new boyfriend.

She abandoned her marriage and her children for some guy, who, let me tell you, is not a stand-up citizen. On top of that, she cleaned out the business and personal bank accounts and left me with five dollars in my pocket....with five children to care for.

I am leaving out a lot here because I want to move things forward; however, the next blog is going to fill in some major blanks and also begin to tell you how things went after she left. I have some documents I will be including in my next post to show what transpired during this horrible time, including a note my Ex signed stating that she was leaving her home, husband, and children for good.

As always, I will protect privacy when showing these documents.

Please keep reading, and let me know what you think. Still waiting for those comments!

Until tomorrow, my friends.

My Desire

Before I start writing about the next 3 years of the hell my children and I have been through, I need to make sure you understand some other things first.

I am writing this blog in the hopes of helping people understand that the fathers in the United States have an extremely difficult time getting custody of their kids, even when it is clear-cut that they should get custody.

Let me tell you what my ideal model for a divorced family is. I would want the mother and father to be equal identities in the kids' lives -- meaning the mom and dad are civil to each other, no matter their differences, in order to raise the children well, even though they cannot be together.

This means that the mom and dad should be able to communicate about the children in a civil manner, without being spiteful and bitter. Well, this would be in a perfect world.

I WANT that. I want to be able to communicate with my Ex about my children and it go well. I WISH that were the case. But, unfortunately, that is not the way it works....for me.

I try to ask her things about the kids, and I get grief. I try to bring things to her attention that I think need to be addressed (school issues, health issues, etc.) and I get met with "leave me alone, I am a good mom", when I never implied otherwise.

I know for a fact that an amicable situation can be reached...people do it all the time. So why is it so hard for me?

Let me tell you, it is not for my lack of trying. I have TRIED to mediate with my Ex on several different occasions (once was court ordered and she balked), with her ultimately backing out at the very end of it all. I have kept my kids out of court, kept them out of the loop, etc...only to walk into court and see my 10-year-old sitting there (and before that my 11 and 13 year old).

I don't want them to know the details of what is going on, not because I have anything to hide, but because they are KIDS and SHOULD NOT know, but time and time again they bring things up to me...like child support.

In my opinion, they should not even know what child support is. However, they do, and I'm not the one who told them about it.

And when I said there are fathers who should get custody over the mothers, I was not saying shut the mothers out completely. I'm saying that the kids should be in the primary care of the father, but the state favors the mother like you would not believe. If you are a dad going for custody, your gender is already a strike against you, even if it is clear the kids do better in your care.

By writing this blog, I want to bring things to light that people don't normally think about when you hear that someone you know is getting a divorce. I want to help people who may be going through something similar, because when I began this journey, I knew NOTHING and would have welcomed any help I could get, especially when it came from someone who had been through it.

I do not want to place blame on anyone, and will never do so. I will tell the facts. And as I said before, there will be actual court documentation to back it all up.

I will let all of you decide how you feel about what I say from here on out, because this is where it will get extremely messy.

PLEASE comment. I really want to hear you!!

Brace yourselves! Tomorrow is D-Day!

Realizing a Dream

I really love woodworking, and not to toot my own horn here, but I'm really quite good at it. I'm sure that people who know me and have seen my work firsthand would brag on me more than that, but I'm a pretty humble guy, so 'quite good' as a personal assessment is all you're going to get out of me.

After working various jobs in woodworking and having a business for a while building decorative birdhouses, I wanted more. I dreamt of owning my own custom furniture business, and I wanted it bad.

So, after moving onto her parent's property, we began making my dream come to reality. We were working on putting the horrible events that had transpired behind us and were looking toward the future. After finding a suitable space and purchasing some equipment, my business was born.

I worked hard. Very hard. Some may say I worked too much, especially my Ex. After having my shop for a while and seeing the success and potential, it was decided that I would also open a retail store. In doing so, my plate was extremely full and I was not spending much time at home.

In the long run, I would be blamed, by the Ex, for the ultimate demise of things because I was always working and was hardly home. However, at the time, I really didn't have a choice. You see, living in a 2 bedroom house with 5 children was becoming more and more unrealistic...and there was a major issue of cleanliness.

The house was always a disaster. Always. In fact, when we did argue, it was normally about the way the house was being kept. Time and time again, I was told that we needed to move into a bigger house and things would be all better. The Ex promised me over and over that she would be able to keep up with a bigger place better than she could the little 900 SF house we were living in.

I know...I know. I can almost hear all your heads shaking in disbelief that I might actually buy into this idea. If you can't keep a small house clean, how will you keep a large one clean? But I bought it -- hook, line, and sinker.

We looked around a bit and finally found the house of our dreams. A 3000 SF beauty that had a finished basement and 2 upper floors. I will admit that I loved that house as much as she did and I wanted it, but I never in a million years thought we would get approved for a loan to get it. My business was doing well, but I was no rich guy by any stretch, and my income was the only income.

My Ex filled out all the loan documents and such, I signed on the dotted line, and much to my surprise, we were approved.

So you see, I was working all those hours to provide for my family. She was unhappy in the small house, so I worked my rear end off to have a bigger house. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, so I dove into my work to build my business so that she could stay at home. We both wanted to be able to go on trips and experience wonderful things, so I did what I had to do to make that happen.

I was trying my very best to provide a happy, fulfilling life for us, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it.

In hindsight, I do realize that I worked too much. But hindsight is always 20/20. I loved my work and my business very much, to the point that building furniture really didn't seem like work at all. It was fun for me, but if I had been able to at the time, I would have worked more regular hours and spent more time at home with my family. I was working as much as I was out of necessity, not out of want.

Life was very good for a while. We were enjoying our new home and my business was doing great. Things really were going well....

Then came the point when my Ex wanted to go to school. She wanted to get a degree so that she could get a really good job and help to support the family. I thought it was a great idea and fully supported her.

I had no idea that supporting this decision would bring about the hell that has been the last 3+ years of my life.

Tonight, as I sit here looking back on all this, I am also very aware that I have not seen my children in 2 weeks now. I pray for them every single day and hope they are doing well and that they always know I love them and want them. I also pray for my Ex, hoping that she will see that she is hurting them more than she could ever hurt me (because ultimately I believe that's what this is about -- hurting me) by doing what she is doing.

Until next time!




Oh, I almost forgot -- that big house was never kept clean either...there was just more surface area to spread the mess around in.